Fire Your Grudges

Over the last month or so I’ve been listening to the book Effortless by Greg McKeown. It’s excellent and has numerous actionable take aways for work and life. Some of the tips are painfully obvious but the reminder always helps (i.e. Get more sleep!).

One of the more novel ideas that has stuck with me is that we all hire grudges to do a job for us. It’s a bit of a stereotype that the Irish hold grudges like no one else. Sometimes they even span generations. If I were to guess at why the Irish stereotype exists it would come from the fact that the Irish were persecuted for centuries while living on an island. You have to be weary of people on such a small plot of land in the middle of the ocean. Between the Vikings and British, outsiders were dangerous and needed watching.

So, maybe holding grudges is in my blood, and if I’m honest I’ve hired grudges like a booming start up. I can think of people from college that might have done something so minuscule to me or a friend that if we crossed paths now I would remember it and would hold them at arms length. I’ll happily hate-watch a sporting event for a bit of schadenfreude (I’m talking about Kyrie and even Tom Brady). When I left my teaching job, I held onto grudges with parents who I butted heads with over grades, or discipline, or varsity soccer tryouts.

Grudges are exhausting, useless, and a waste of time. But we hire each of them for a reason, and none of those reasons are ever good enough to keep them in our life. I hire grudges, I think, to have something to push against. I can root against an athlete instead of rooting for one. I can give a cold shoulder to someone in order to show loyalty to someone else. In essence, I’m protecting my own little island, and I can be very good at finding reasons to hold grudges. I am very good at talking myself into why I should be bothered by someone or something and never like it.

While we can always hire grudges, we can also fire them. We can decide that our energy won’t be spent cooking up pretend arguments and boiling up negative energy that needs an outlet in some form that we might not have control over at some point (thankfully I run or chase a silly white ball around a field with a bag of sticks to burn off my steam).

What grudges have you held onto over the years? Why did you hire that grudge? What job is it doing for you? Is it feeding negative energy? Has the grudge completed it’s job so you can let it go?

Whether you’re Irish or not, I’m sure you have a couple grudges that you can identify pretty quickly. An ex-boyfriend/girlfriend, a friend, a classmate, a coach, a stranger, a family member. The beauty of firing a grudge is it might not even require any action aside from sitting the grudge down and saying, “You’re fired.” You probably don’t even need to talk to the other person because grudges are typically a one way street.

So this weekend, give it a try. Fire some grudges. You’ll feel better for it. Here’s a clip of Greg and Tim Ferriss talking about grudges and the energy they suck from all of us every day.

Grocery Shopping without a list like Alice Waters

One of my favorite things about Wegmans is their website. It allows you to make a shopping list and they organize the items by aisle. It’s an incredible time-saver, especially in a massive store like Wegmans. The print out used to even have a thumbnail of the item, too. This was particularly useful when Tiff would include something that I wouldn’t recognize on the shelf - a facial cleanser or exotic vegetable. The Melia family has a trait we’ve recently coined “label-blind.” This is when, in the rush to grab something off the store’s shelf we don’t read the label to ensure what we are buying is what we actually want to buy. This might happen with milk or yogurt (plain yogurt? YUCK!), cornstarch vs. cornmeal. The mix-ups are always a nuisance. However, I did have to run down to the store in the middle of making dinner this winter when I realized I had coconut cream instead of coconut milk. I tried to sneak out while Tiff was in the shower, hoping she wouldn’t notice my mistake. I was wrong, and she was more panicked when I returned because she thought I had been taken. My brother, sisters, and mom are afflicted with “label blindness,” too. I think they’re doing some heavy research at Moderna.

This past week, we loaded Masterclass on our AppleTV and watched Alice Waters cook things. She’s amazing, and works with no recipes and does hgoler shopping without a list. She wanders the market searching for what looks good, buys it, and then heads home to figure out what she’ll conjure up for the week. Alice inspired me to give this method a try, so when I went to our local grocery store last weekend I had in mind one slow cooker meal I’d make, but otherwise I was going to peruse like Alice and find what looked good.

For the most part, this didn’t change my patterns in the grocery store, but it did have an interesting effect on my experience in the produce section, though. It forced me to stare and look a bit more intentionally. Usually I know what I want because it’s on a list, so I dive right into the greenery, grab my kale or spinach and get the heck out of there. But during this particular visit I stood and looked around. I started to see items that never make it into my cart because I never seen them.

It felt uncomfortable to stand and stare at a wall of food. The produce section is usually busy and built to make people uncomfortable. It’s like a game of pac-man, we’re all weaving in and out of these small aisles like we’re being chased by ghosts. Compare the produce section vibe with the middle aisles next time you’re at a grocery store. The middle aisles, where all the “bad” stuff is, are built to allow for maximum leisure. Stand as long as you want as you choose between Lucky Charms and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Looking for chips? Stay awhile, you have all the space you need! Not the produce section though. It’s organized to make people want to rush through it as quickly as possible.

We’ve been programmed, especially this year to get in and get out. There’s no time to look, we’re in the middle of a pandemic! Go, go, go! I fought that urge and we ended up having a few dinners this week that were a tad different than usual and pushed us to dig through the pantry and freezer to find some accompaniments and seasonings.

The best part of this weekend’s process was last night when we enjoyed a stir fry with brussels sprouts and carrots and onion. I dug up some lo mein noodles and added some soy sauce. It was not a dish I had in mind when I grabbed the carrots and sprouts on Sunday at the grocery and it turned out to be one of the better things we had this week.

So, when you’re feeling adventurous, I’d encourage you to go grocery shopping with the staples in mind, but no meals planned. You could find yourself making a few meals that you have never made before or simply forgot you knew how to make. And if you’re like me and afflicted with label-blindness, it might just be the cure.

Habitualization and Using Gratitude to Fight it

As I read books, I sometimes have a pen handy, but hate making notes in the margins or highlighting great snippets of text. When something is really great, I’l bend the page and hope to remember to return to it for inspiration. In Four Seasons in Rome (h/t to my friend Sam Hamlin for the gift), there was a paragraph about Habitualization. Sometimes, my mind can remember what section of a page something an interesting quote was written. I can’t remember the section of the book (beginning, middle, end), so I’m forced to flip through the whole book, hoping to find what I’m looking for. I used to be able to recall history information by revisiting the page in my mind, or I could track it down within a chapter (if you’re like this, too, I’d love to know!).

Anyway, last night I tracked down this piece about Habitualization in Fours Seasons in Rome (left side of book, top of the page…) and reread it because, well, Thanksgiving is next week. Anthony Doerr writes,

“…over time, we stop perceiving familiar things - words, friends, apartments - as they truly are. To eat a banana for the thousandth time is nothing like eating a banana for the first time… the easier an experience, or the more entrenched, or the more familiar, the fainter our sensation of it becomes. This is true of chocolate and marriages and hometowns and narrative structures. Complexities wane, miracles become unremarkable, and if we’re not careful, pretty soon we’re gazing out at our lives as if through a burlap sack.”

It’s a simple idea, one that we might describe as taking things for granted. November and Thanksgiving provide us an opportunity to stop and be grateful. Most years, we can do this surrounded by family and friends; this year is more tenuous, obviously. My family, like so many others, won’t all be together, it sucks. However, no matter how difficult it might be, we have to find silver linings in this storm cloud that is 2020. We’ve got to figure out how to bring a little joy to each other.

If you’re comfortable, I’d love if you emailed me one thing you’re grateful for. I plan to compile them and share them out next week to overwhelm these damn 2020 clouds with so many silver linings, at least for a brief moment of time for all of us.

I’ll start with a little list I’ve compiled:

I am grateful for:

1) A patient and loving wife who is letting me try to chase some silly dream and hasn’t once made me feel like it’s a silly dream.

2) Random phone calls from friends (I owe some a return call, I know).

3) People offering their time. I’ve been reaching out to people on social media to come on my podcast, and not a single person has said “no” yet. People helping people.

4) Fresh fruit

5) That first sip of coffee in the morning

6) Zoom calls with my Holy Cross pals (I’m using pals now, I’m old enough, right?)

7) Having green space nearby

8) Breakfast burritos (especially from Monument)

9) The sun glistening off the John Hancock building.

10) My mom, brother, sisters, nephews, and brother-in-law. We won’t need as much food this year, but we’ll all try to keep some form of tradition going. Maybe some new tradition comes from this, too.

Send along your gratitude(s) in an email to me (StayhomeHusband@gmail.com) or write it in the comment section. I’ll share them out anonymously next week.

Spoiled Pats Fans Are Worse Than They've Ever Been

Imagine if your favorite sports team tallied these accomplishments (and blemishes) over 20 years, you’d take it, right?

• 6 championships (9 championship appearances)

• Arguably the greatest player-coach combo in any sport

• Three MVP awards

• 17 division wins in 19 years

• Endless come from behind victories

• 2 “cheating” scandals

Of course you’d take it!

This has been the experience of New England Patriots fans, and as a Patriots fan, it was glorious. I grew up in the Patriots fandom sweet spot, old enough to remember the 1-15 teams, Hugh Millen, Drew Bledsoe, and Bill Parcels. The 1998 Super Bowl loss to the Green Bay Packers sucked and the Rams victory during my senior year in high school is still seared in my memory, watching in my buddy’s basement and being greeted by his dad at the top of the stairs after Vinatieri’s kick soared through the uprights.

These wonderful years made a lot of Pats fans spoiled. The ho-hum playoff bye-weeks and AFC Championship appearances became things I (and we) would pencil into our calendar. Any plans for weekends at the end of January and beginning of February were always tenuous because, well, there was probably going to be a Patriots game.

Patriot fans became whiney and entitled; it’s what happens when other fans constantly attack you and leave you fearing a loss more than craving a win (I think many people watching election results rolling in might understand this sensation). Heavy is the head that wears the crown and all that.

On Monday night, the Patriots will roll down to New Jersey for a match-up against the crap-tastic New York Jets. The teams have a combined 2 wins, both belonging to the reeling Patriots (the Jets have been reeling for 50 years. Except for the Bart Scott era, which is what I choose to call it.) The Pats have lost four straight games for the first time since Bill Clinton was President (that’s a made up fact that might be true…).

The only thing worse than whiney, spoiled sports fans of winning teams is whiney, spoiled sports teams of dynasties on the decline. I fear we’ve reached that point with Patriots fans. I always understood that we were annoying, and I know I’d fall into that category myself at times. But listening to people on the radio and internet complaining about the roster and the lack of a plan post-Tom Brady is fingernails-on-the-chalkboard annoying.

I, however, am kind of enjoying this fall from grace the Pats are experiencing. I don’t care if they win or lose and the Cam Newton experience has been as whacky as I thought. I see the fans of the Kansas City Chiefs, Baltimore Ravens, and Pittsburgh Steelers planning out a path to the Super Bowl. I can relate to it, and I’m glad it’s not my reality this season.

That’s what’s been most enjoyable - the loses aren’t surprising, the target isn’t on the Patriots back anymore. I don’t feel like the entire world is rooting against me, and I’m not pacing the living room wishing for my team not to lose instead of win while losing 2-3 years off my life with every fourth quarter drive.

I’m just in my own little bubble, watching games and moving on with my life. No email exchanges with Eagles and Giants fans that would root for Stalin over Brady if given the choice (okay, probably not…. but they might, seriously…).

There is certainly a fear down the road that the Pats dip into endless mediocrity and end up like the Chicago Bulls or Toronto Maple Leafs or Dallas Cowboys. But for now, I’m enjoying the low-stakes football and seeing how they try to turn it all around, either this season or in the next few.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go prep for the Ohio State game…