What Food Would You Like To Judge In a Taste-Off
In my past life as an English teacher, I liked having my students do a little writing every class. Sometimes I’d use the NYTimes Writing Prompts, which is a treasure trove of questions. I thought I’d spent some a couple mornings a week answering a question that I pick completely random from this massive list. Picture a globe-trotter spinning the globe index finger primed to pick the next exciting destination, except I’m just sitting here scrolling up and down on a website before clicking with my mouse.
I’ll write for 25 minute, read it over once, and post it.
What Food Would You Like To Judge In a Taste-Off
The first thing that came to my mind was pies. Wings came next (but not as exciting as pies). So let’s go with pies, the gut reaction seems like the most appropriate one for this topic.
Why the heck did pies come to mind first? I do love pies, all different types, and they are a food I am willing to leave my comfort zone for the sake of competition. I am not equipped to judge pies, because, as far as I can remember, I have never actually made a pie from start to finish. I have eaten hundreds of pies in my day (I first wrote thousands and then did the math, and that’s too many damn pies). I do know that you don’t want a soggy bottom and that first slice needs to slide right out cleanly. I need a Paul Hollywood type at my side to provide me with the rubric for a good pie (although his dashing good looks and sparkling blue eyes would put me second in the concurrent “Show of Handsome” contest being judged by the pie makers…)
Here’s what makes a good pie in my mind:
1) A good top: I don’t care what it is, lattice, crumbles, straight pastry with some crazy design to let the heat out as it bakes. Just make sure it holds up when I eat it. I want to use the edge of my fork and glide right through it. It can’t be too thick, don’t try to hide the rest of your pie under the top of it. Like the roof of a building, I should really only notice it if it’s incredibly beautiful or incredibly awful.
2) The crust: This is the foundation of the building; I for people to experiment here. Graham crackers, Oreos, Girl Scout Cookies are all fair game. If you’re gonna go with straight pastry though, there’s one important facet of that for me. It’s not what’s under the pie here, instead, it’s whats’s rising above the edge of the pie pan. My mom usually pinches off these edges with her thumb, creating something I called the “legs.” Like eating a pizza, I would leave these little bits of pastry to the end and I would even order the size of my slice by the amount of “legs” I wanted. A two leg slice was always the perfect second slice. This is an incredibly specific and strange thing for me as a pie eater, but listen, if I’m judging, your crust would have to either have legs or be so freaking good that it doesn’t need legs. And I haven’t had many pies like that in my life.
3) The Filling: The pie is named for the filling, so this has to be the main attraction, right? Apple pie was always my favorite as a kid, but I don’t like when the fruit, whatever kind, is more puree than chunky. If I’m eating an apple pie or a cherry pie, I want to feel like I’m getting some chunks of actual fruit. I’ve also had syrupy fillings, which I think is gross. Feels like it came straight from the can. I understand that some fillings need to be solid: pumpkin, chocolate cream, key lime. In the case of these fillings, I just don’t need too much of it. So the filling has to be balanced with the crust, don’t make your pie too high and allow the filling to take over the entire cake.
I can also get down with a meat pie, but I don’t have enough time to really dive into that word of craziness.
4) Role Players: What else am I getting with your pie? Ice cream (if so what flavor?)? Whipped cream? Some sort of sauce or custard (hopefully not custard… gross)? A coffee? A boozy dessert drink? These things matter to the pie experience, and if you don’t bring a solid role player, a Scottie Pippen to the Michael Jordan, if you will, then your pie isn’t going to be on the top of my list. I’ll probably fight Paul Hollywood with my fists about this, but that’s okay, because it matters that much to me.
Pie is delicious. I have been known to enjoy both warm and cold pie. I’ve gobbled down pie in the morning for breakfast (I mean, it’s just a triangular Danish, right? RIGHT?!) A good hand pie is also delightful, whether it’s packaged for that purpose, or it’s just your only option in the kitchen at 1am when you’re home from the bar and you’re too lazy to find a plate and a fork.
I’d be lying if I told you I have never cut a slice of pie and balanced the slice on the knife I used to cut the slice, holding it close to my face, my left hand hovering underneath in case the slice makes a run for it.
What food would you want to judge? Toss your thoughts in the comments.
